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Counterfeit Connection

The brilliant Brené Brown coined the term counterfeit connection to describe what happens when people bond over dysfunctional things like gossip, slander, or a shared disdain for someone. This person becomes the "common enemy," and a false sense of connection forms because the individuals feel validated in their big emotions when someone else shares them. It makes sense—misery loves company, right? 

But there’s a fine line between healthy venting, which helps prevent bottled-up emotion, and consistently using a common enemy as a shortcut to closeness. It may feel like intimacy in the moment because you're bonding over a shared sentiment, but afterward, you often feel out of integrity, guilty, or even paranoid that others are doing the same behind your back....more on that later! 

I bring this topic forward because I’ve seen it show up frequently in teams and I also have personal experience with it from former workplaces. If you’ve followed me for a while, you know I’m a big proponent of “naming” things. There’s power in identifying what’s happening in these moments and recognizing when we’re reaching for alternatives to true connection. Whether we’re naming it for ourselves or saying it out loud to others, it can be challenging....here's my experience with it:

 

My Experience: Many years ago I had a supervisor who regularly tried to connect with me by badmouthing others. At first, I didn’t really know what to do, it felt so awkward. I’d smile or shake my heard, then try to redirect the conversation. But it seemed like someone was always doing something that drove her crazy and she NEEDED to verbally process it. Over time, I grew confident she was doing the same thing to me behind my back. Every interaction began to feel phony and inauthentic...it started to feel like I was a ticking time bomb, ready to explode.

 

One day, she came into my office and started venting about someone I genuinely enjoyed working with. This time, I didn’t smile or chuckle. I knew it would be out of integrity to play along just to avoid discomfort. 

She noticed I was uneasy and asked, “What’s wrong?” I told her the truth. I said I wasn’t comfortable with the conversation, that I had nothing but good things to say about the person she was criticizing, and that I didn't want to be on the receiving end of all the criticisms.  

Everything changed after that. 

Our dynamic shifted, and in the best way. From then on, she kept it strictly professional. While there was some awkward tension from the abrupt shift, I felt empowered. I knew I would always choose that kind of discomfort over the alternative. 

Insight: Counterfeit connection breeds dysfunction. If critical talk about others becomes the recurring theme of your conversations, it may be time to rethink how you're building connection and why you have to lean on negativity to spark closeness. 

Takeaway: There are countless ways to foster real, authentic connection with the people in your life. When you do that, counterfeit connection can’t survive. Here are a few ways to shift from the counterfeit to the real: 

  • Admit mistakes and make amends immediately: Leaders who acknowledge their imperfections create a culture where others feel safe to do the same. 

  • Ask for help when needed: Feeling overwhelmed? Don’t internalize it and build resentment. Ask your colleagues or supervisor for support. This shows self-awareness and models healthy vulnerability. 

  • Ask questions and show genuine interest: Take time to learn about your coworkers’ lives. Follow up on things they’ve shared. Ask how the birthday party went or how they are surviving with a new puppy. 

  • Be supportive during hard times: In my last job, we always organized a meal train when someone was struggling or had a baby. Tangible acts of care speak volumes and reinforce a culture of support. 

    Have you ever found yourself stuck in the "counterfeit connection" drama cycle? What are some ways to build real connection at work, that have worked for you? 

With purpose,

Lucy Lantis 


 
 
 

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