Name the Elephant in the Room

I can’t tell you how many times I have shown up to an organization, prepared to facilitate meaningful conversation, and when the time comes to name some hard things, crickets.

The first few times this happened, I kind of panicked. In my family of origin, I was always the person who leaned into hard conversations and spoke up. Granted, I was let's say, not super refined at doing this for the first 20 years of my life. Regardless, it was always important for me to say what I am feeling, rather than let it fester. That said, it doesn’t mean everyone is wired the same. In fact, for some, it’s much more natural to default to silence, avoidance, or even denial. Here are some reasons why:

• Power dynamics can make it impossible to speak truth

  
  

• Fear of repercussions

  
  

• A general lack of trust or psychological safety

  
  

• Feeling emotionally checked out; it’s not worth your energy

As a facilitator, it’s my job to read the room. To table MY needs and cater to what the GROUP needs. Here are a few strategies that have worked for me in these awkward moments—maybe they’ll work for you, whether it’s in a boardroom, or around the dinner table.

Insight:

Hold Your Tongue: For even one minute longer than you normally would. Sometimes intentional silence gives that one internal processor the courage to speak up.

Take 5: Call a break, change up the energy, get people moving. If you can cut the tension with a knife, you need to regroup.

Individual Check-in: Checking in with someone individually is my tried-and-true go-to, both in the session (during the break) or afterwards (hey, let’s debrief over a cup of coffee).

Whole Group Temperature Check: Sometimes, simply naming that something feels off is the only thing you need to do—the rest will sort itself out. It could sound like this: “Hey, I have noticed a shift in here. Am I the only one noticing some tension?”

Takeaway:

For me, as a facilitator, I will never be the person to call someone out, or spotlight someone who isn’t in a place to elaborate or share. That breaks trust and kills our rapport. I think this can translate into life outside

of the workplace too. I believe most people prefer to have a one-on-one conversation if something is bothering them, rather than being asked about it in front of others.

To me, being the person who can simply name that something feels off is a job well done. From there, you meet the group where they are at—whether it’s to dive deeper or simply just acknowledge the feeling and move on.